Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Open Letter: Mrs. Grundy to Supervisor Wiener

Dear Supervisor Wiener,

I have a concern about the public dog parks here in San Francisco.  Every time I walk by, I notice that all the dogs' genitals and anuses are on full display.  This is shocking and uncivilized.

Now, we humans have God and the Bible to tell us that our bodies are shameful and disgusting, but dogs are ignorant beasts who cannot read, and do not even have a soul.  They will require our help to adopt an appropriate level of dignity.

You may think I'm joking or insane, but what if a group of children were to walk by?  The chaperon would be in the uncomfortable and horrifying position of explaining why all the dogs are sniffing each others' sinful regions, or why so many of the male dogs are missing their testicles.

I propose that it be illegal for dog owners to publicly display the private parts of their pets—including the genitals, anus, and perenium (whatever that is)—with a punishment of a year in jail for the perverts who think canine anatomy is somehow natural or anything other than terrifyingly gross.  Of course, this law should exempt puppies.

Please!  Before the entire world mocks our lack of prurience!

Sincerely,

Mrs. Grundy